Monday, November 29, 2004

I may again know Loz

OK, fuck this - i'm not really that depressed, to be honest life is pretty good. I absolutely love it here in Cardiff, things seem to finally be working out. I have a great group of friends now, my flatmates are awesome - I am finally in a group of genuine people who do not bitch about each other constantly, and who know what it is to have a spine.

I would be completely happy, were it not for the lack of romance in my life - yes, that's romance, not sex. I have given up on her, resigned to failure before even trying - but I probably wouldn't have it any other way.

Cardiff is the greatest city certainly in the UK - I love it here, and it is the only place I wanted to go to university - I wake up every day and pinch myself because I can hardly believe I am really here, it's so amazing.

And yet, something is missing. I don't know what it is, but something is wrong - everything seems incomplete, I am still missing pieces from the puzzle. I guess those are pieces I shall find over the coming years - but that is too long to wait. If the world were to end tomorrow, what would you do? There is something now that needs to be done to make my life complete, and I need to figure out what it is. Maybe it's that I haven't written enough for this post, I usually write more...

Ah well, no matter

Signing off

Loz

Saturday, November 27, 2004

Ode to Solomon

Starry nights, city lights coming down over me
Skyscrapers, stargazers in my head
Are we, we are, are we, we are the waiting unkown
This dirty town is burning down in my dreams
Lost and found, city bound in my dreams

Forget-me-nots, second thoughts live in isolation
Heads or tails, fairy tales in my mind
Are we, we are, are we, we are the waiting unkown
Rage and love, the story of my life
The Jesus of Suburbia is a lie

Right...I've forgotten what I was going to say...

Ah yes, I was going to moan about how much life sucks and how depressed I am. Well it does suck, and I am depressed, but I really can't be arsed to talk much about it. If truth be known, I'm only posting because I haven't in a while.

Anyway, what to talk about...her? Well, not much to say really, I talked to her today, got her e-mail address, and that's about it. She's a nice person, and unfortunately I think I am more likely to become friends with her than actually ask her out - I like her as a person, and I would not want to risk ruining it with awkwardness if she says no.

My kitten Solomon died the other day. He was 4 months old. As someone who does not believe in anything after death, the fact that Solomon could be taken away like that, after living a mere 4 months is so tragic. However, I do understand that sometimes these things cannot be helped, and maybe Solomon couldn't be saved.

But there is something that makes me furious. My mother asked the vet if they could take Solomon home, or at least visit him to say goodbye before he passed on (they were informed that he would only live for one more day), and the vet told them that they couldn't because they were closed. They were closed.

They were closed.

It's unbelievable - my family was not allowed to say goodbye to our kitten because the vets were closed. I really can't get my head around this. And it turns out all the vet did was check his condition before going home, then came back in the morning to find he'd died. They didn't even make it comfortable for him. He deserved better. Just thinking about it now brings a tear to my eye, a lump to my throat, and anger courses through my veins. I am so angry.

But what makes me even more angry is that there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. Rest assured, though, I shall not forget this.

That's all I have to say.

Loz

------- Solomon - July 2004 - November 2004 -------

Sunday, November 21, 2004

A hair's breadth between genius and insanity

I haven't posted here for a while, so I thought I'd do it now, seeing as I'm bored.

Well, I'm now a skinhead. I got slightly inebrieated with my flatmates the other day, and we decided it would be fun to shave our heads with a Mach 3 razor. Of course now I have to wear a hat for a few days, lest I look like an idiot. Annoying really, as I was supposed to work at the stadium today and I could have seen the Wales vs New Zealand game for free.

Her. I haven't thought about her much in a while...maybe it is because I have resigned myself to failure and am now getting on with things - except I'm not getting on with things, I've done barely anything in ages, I've gone days without eating. Interestingly enough though, I haven't lost any weight.

Anyway, back in the sixth form we had a group of friends that I always used to hang around with, and upon reading one of their blogs the other day (http://worldofdicky.blogspot.com/), I thought it seemed viable to copy them and vent some of my thoughts about the people in that group - you see, we had one of those two-faced relationships where we all bitched behind each other's backs.

Amy - Sorry, I just never liked you - it's never that you were particularly nasty to me, it was just the way that you treated Rich, never letting him get over you, and fooling around with him behind your boyfriend's back.
Becky - You were always nice, if a bit quiet, although I disapprove of the way you were to Dick towards the end.
Dave - Nice guy, good mate, no problems.
Dawsey - I love you lol. You are easily the best person in the group, and a great mate.
Jack - Not really got much to say about you, you never pissed me off.
Nat - I'm sorry, I've tried but I just can't stand you. Your petty exaggerations were tolerable at first, and sometimes amusing, but the total bitchiness when things didn't go your way for two years day in day out led me to develop a deep hatred.
Rich - Rich...I think you are too egocentric for your own good. Deep down, you are not a bad person, but your ego leads you to do and say bad things - the world does not revolve around you either, and you should not take everything so seriously.
Steve - No real problems, a bit materialistic.
Vic - Sorry but I hate you too, just for the way you act when someone doesn't share the same views as you - your views are not necessarily right, get off your fucking high horse.

Well, that's about it, feels good to get that off my chest. I might add something later, it just doesn't seem relevant for this post.

Loz.

Wednesday, November 17, 2004

Give Me Novacaine

Take away the sensation inside
Bittersweet migraine in my head
It's like a throbbing toothache of the mind
I can't take this feeling anymore

Drain the pressure from the swelling
The sensation's overwhelming
Give me a long kiss goodnight
And everything will be alright
Tell me that I won't feel a thing
So give me novacaine

Out of body and out of mind
Kiss the demons out of my dreams
I get the funny feeling that's alright
Jimmy says it's better than air
I'll tell you why

Drain the pressure from the swelling
The sensation's overwhelming
Give me a long kiss goodnight
And everything will be alright
Tell me that I won't feel a thing
So give me novacaine


Oh novacaine

Thank you Green Day, your album American Idiot sums up my life almost perfectly - I feel very much like the Jesus of Suburbia. To those who do not know what novacaine is, it is a local anaesthetic used in dentistry. It is synthesised from cocaine to have all the positive effects with none of the negatives.

I wish I could write songs - I might try it.

Loz

Tuesday, November 16, 2004

It continues

Well, I don't pretend to fully understand what this is, so I'm gonna use it kind of like a diary I guess, adding new things every day, and then one day years from now when I am bored, I can look back on how pathetic my life was.

Because that's what my life is, pathetic. I often wonder these days what the point is of me being here, just why the fuck am I here? Unfortunately, I haven't found the answer to that question - I think my life is totally pointless. The meaning of life is to reproduce, right? Why would there be need for any reproductions of me? There is no need. Ergo, my life is pointless.

And now we come to her. I thought about her a lot today, although I didn't see her. Oh, why must I continually torment myself over these things, why is it that I must suffer so? I can't remember the last time I felt genuinely good about anything, it's been so long. I even feel bad for subjecting you to these pathetic whinings.

Hmm, it doesn't seem like I've written enough here, so I'm gonna whine on for a little bit longer. I realised something terrifying today - I no longer fear death. Obviously, this doesn't mean that I want to die, but I think there is a huge feeling of indifference. Naturally, I do want to live a bit longer, but have things really gotten so bad that my life is so empty I would not fear it's ending?

Well anyway, it has been in my mind for a long time now that the world is shit. It may seem trivial, but did you ever watch the "Lord of the Rings" films. What amazing films they are. How amzing Middle-Earth is. Why can't we live in a world like that? Obviously not with orcs, and I don't much care about the magic - but what about the values? Mankind used to have them once. There used to be a time when nobility and honour ruled, rather than corruption and greed.

As I think I have mentioned before (if not, then I apologise), I experience difficulty in talking about my feelings. Instead, I find it is much easier to quote song lyrics or lines from films - they speak volumes more, and are able to articulate what I am thinking much better than I could ever hope to. And so we move back to my feelings about the world - there is a speech in the film "Battle Royale II" spoken by the character Nanahara Shuya, and it goes something like this:

"We know that a handful of people in a handful of countries have the control over the peace and freedom of the world, but just as justice never vanishes, we the so-called evil terrorists will never vanish either..."

But justice has vanished - there is no sense of justice, worth, valour, honour, nobility, any of these qualities to be found in people anymore. What's that? Oh, the speech continues:

"But the world we're living can't be the only one. There are 6.3 billion people living, with 6.3 billion different ways of life, 6.3 billion types of peace, 6.3 billion types of justice, 6.3 billion wars, and 6.3 billion evils..."

6.3 billion wars and 6.3 billion evils. That about covers it. I believe each person is born with an inherent evil inside them, and as life continues the inidividual is supposed to battle with that evil, and so become a decent person - the point here is that good is supposed to win over evil. Yet lately, it seems more and more that good is fighting a losing battle. I am not saying that there are no good people in the world, but it just seems that good is allowing evil to rule. Evil may not just be doing something bad, it can be inaction as well. The majority of the world just sits by and lets the leaders decide for them. Aren't we allowed to decide what happens in our own lives? Is freedom too much to ask?

"No peace has been achieved without fighting. Much blood is shed behind the peace. Sweat and tears are soaked in it. Yet if humans neglect that history, the peace becomes of no more worth than dogshit."

History cannot be forgotten. This is a huge mistake that we are making in modern society - I observed a 2 minute silence on Thursday for Armisitice Day - however, many did not. This means that less people are showing their respect for those who gave their lives in war to protect our peace. If no due respect is paid, then it is likely they will be forgotten. Of what value is peace then? Are we taking the relative safety in Western society for granted?

"All of the children who are fighting loneliness - you may be alone, but do not be afraid of being alone anymore. All abandoned children of the world, unite! Let's fight together. Let's take off our old shoes and run to a farther place than we are now."

In the context of the film, Nanahara was actually talking to children. But I believe this speaks out to more people than that. It delivers the message that we people need to stop sitting around and taking the shit that we have for so long. We have allowed our freedom to be ripped off for too long.

I don't pretend to be some kind of revolutionary though, and I know that the apathetic suburbanite will do nothing to promote the old-fashioned values of humanity - peace, strength, honour and valour. I will just do my best to adhere to them.

Well, I've rambled on for much longer than I was going to, so I'll "sign off" now.

Loz

Monday, November 15, 2004

It begins

Hey. I'm Loz. I'm 18, I'm male, and I go to Cardiff University. To others, I have the image of seeing everything in black and white, whereas in reality it's quite different.

I'm not someone who cares about many things, mostly I just care about myself and what happens to me. Many people dislike me for this, but it's a dog eat dog world - I do care for others, and they know who they are, but I'm me, and not caring is something I do very well.

Know a few things about me before you read about her.
One thing that concerns me the most is the problems with love. I seem to wear my heart on the sleeve of the jacket that is hung up, and that people use to wipe their noses when they can't find a tissue.

Or at least, that's how it feels. Unfortunately, the way I feel about people isn't something I can easily change. The main problem is that, unlike most 18 year old males, I don't just want sex. I actually do want a relationship. However, I am unlikely to have one, because I am a twat. I cannot read women at all, and I wouldn't know whether they liked me or hated me.

My main problem is confidence. Even if I do think I have a chance with someone, I have this paralysing fear of rejection that will stop me dead in my tracks when I am considering making a move.

And now we come to her. Only I and one of my friends know that I like her, and that is most likely the way that it is going to stay - for you see, I am a coward, and the chances are I will never make a move on her. I am also paranoid - I have now convinced myself that she has a boyfriend, and that she just wants to be friends.

Now this may be my biggest problem - I make friends with girls that I like. This means that I care about them - hence I would never ask if we could be anything more. And this is exactly the same as what will happen here. I like her too much to ruin things by asking her out.

But recently I have talked to her, and she's so nice, I like her so much I can't ask her out. But I want her to be more than a friend. But it'll never happen. Because I will never allow it to, because I'm too afraid to try. God I hate me. It's like I enjoy feeling bad. I must do, otherwise I would do everything I could to rid myself of the bad feeling right?

Well, I feel bad. But I'm not going to do anything about it, I'm just going to sit in my room, wallowing in a pit of self-loathing and shame. But it would appear that I wouldn't have it any other way.

I'll talk about her more tomorrow, I've bored you enough for one day.